1. Being vegan isn’t difficult.
Everyone who thinks they could NEVER do it is just afraid of making a big change in their food comfort level. Or they don’t know how to cook. Which is fine. I think the transition has been eased for me because I needed the change so badly. And I like to cook. Eating vegan for the past couple weeks has made me more aware of the food I’m putting in my body. It has changed my relationship with food. I’m more knowledgeable about nutrition and how to get the most from whole foods. If it does nothing else–even if I fall off the wagon and eat pizza–this 30-day vegan challenge is shaking up my habits and forcing me to change for the better. It’s given me a new perspective on living. No, really.
My mind and body feel more connected to each other. It’s hard to explain. It’s like pathways are getting cleared inside of me. Which would explain the epic vegan poo I’ve been having. Every Number 2 is like a religious experience. Nobody talks about that in their Vegan Cooking Blog. But it’s true. Every expulsion feels like an exorcism happened inside your bowels. And you’ve gone from demon-possessed, cursing, vomiting Linda Blair to tanned, permed, highlighted, Playboy-posing Linda Blair instantly.
Before
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After
So, I’ll probably keep living like this. Maybe have some fish and goat cheese here and there…and probably pizza. But my goal is to eat vegan mostly and occasionally give myself a day off. We’ll see how it goes.
P.S. I would post recipes for you, but I don’t actually follow recipes or pay attention to how much I use of this or that. Cooking is my zen. If I try to document it, the whole thing will turn into a mess. Trust.
2. People only want you to be “sensitive” when it benefits them.
Sometimes I can be a smartass. In my family, affection is disguised as taunting and button-pushing. Giving each other shit is our main way of communicating our love for one another. Therefore, the closer I feel to someone, the more shit I will give them. Mockery, name-calling, shit-talking, public embarrassment…This is the currency of my love.
Maybe sometimes I go a little far and someone’s feelings get hurt. Not my intention at all. But it happens. This is when I’m called upon to be more “sensitive.” And like the charming young woman I am, I do my best impression of a ribbed drugstore condom and apologize/shut my mouth/make a quick getaway. Even though in the back of my mind, I’m thinking, “LIGHTEN UP, YOU WHINY TWAT!”
So I thought all of this forced sensitivity I’ve built up over the years would afford me the option of getting all butthurt about the way someone was treating me. But of course, no. Because now I’m being advised to “STOP BEING SO SENSITIVE.”
I’m not supposed to take it personally and I should just let it go? WELL FUCK YOU. I made it to a Level 39 Sensitive Ponytail Chick and I wanna be able to use the powers I’ve accumulated. I didn’t swallow all those one-liners for nothing. I wanna whine and cry like everybody else gets to, goddammit. I wanna run and tell my social network my problems like all the whiners’ feeds I’ve been forced to sit through. I wanna be the star of the Crybaby Show for once. Is there still room for me at the Pity Party? I’d like a table for one. And bring in the violins! I want a goddamn orchestra of tiny violins playing for me. Just this once.
Just this once, I want to be allowed the courtesies I give others. And I don’t want to feel guilty for wanting it.
3. Shitty, elitist Wall Street bankers are shitty and elitist.
4. At least Bill Gates isn’t a shitty, elitist Wall Street banker.
Tags: bill gates, goldman sachs elevator, linda blair, philanthropy, poop, vegan, veganism, wall street
