Everyone who thinks they could NEVER do it is just afraid of making a big change in their food comfort level. Or they don’t know how to cook. Which is fine. I think the transition has been eased for me because I needed the change so badly. And I like to cook. Eating vegan for the past couple weeks has made me more aware of the food I’m putting in my body. It has changed my relationship with food. I’m more knowledgeable about nutrition and how to get the most from whole foods. If it does nothing else–even if I fall off the wagon and eat pizza–this 30-day vegan challenge is shaking up my habits and forcing me to change for the better. It’s given me a new perspective on living. No, really.

My mind and body feel more connected to each other. It’s hard to explain. It’s like pathways are getting cleared inside of me. Which would explain the epic vegan poo I’ve been having. Every Number 2 is like a religious experience. Nobody talks about that in their Vegan Cooking Blog. But it’s true. Every expulsion feels like an exorcism happened inside your bowels. And you’ve gone from demon-possessed, cursing, vomiting Linda Blair to tanned, permed, highlighted, Playboy-posing Linda Blair instantly.

Before

After

So, I’ll probably keep living like this. Maybe have some fish and goat cheese here and there…and probably pizza. But my goal is to eat vegan mostly and occasionally give myself a day off. We’ll see how it goes.

P.S. I would post recipes for you, but I don’t actually follow recipes or pay attention to how much I use of this or that. Cooking is my zen. If I try to document it, the whole thing will turn into a mess. Trust.

2. People only want you to be “sensitive” when it benefits them.

Sometimes I can be a smartass. In my family, affection is disguised as taunting and button-pushing. Giving each other shit is our main way of communicating our love for one another. Therefore, the closer I feel to someone, the more shit I will give them. Mockery, name-calling, shit-talking, public embarrassment…This is the currency of my love.

Maybe sometimes I go a little far and someone’s feelings get hurt. Not my intention at all. But it happens. This is when I’m called upon to be more “sensitive.” And like the charming young woman I am, I do my best impression of a ribbed drugstore condom and apologize/shut my mouth/make a quick getaway. Even though in the back of my mind, I’m thinking, “LIGHTEN UP, YOU WHINY TWAT!”

So I thought all of this forced sensitivity I’ve built up over the years would afford me the option of getting all butthurt about the way someone was treating me. But of course, no. Because now I’m being advised to “STOP BEING SO SENSITIVE.”

I’m not supposed to take it personally and I should just let it go? WELL FUCK YOU. I made it to a Level 39 Sensitive Ponytail Chick and I wanna be able to use the powers I’ve accumulated. I didn’t swallow all those one-liners for nothing. I wanna whine and cry like everybody else gets to, goddammit. I wanna run and tell my social network my problems like all the whiners’ feeds I’ve been forced to sit through. I wanna be the star of the Crybaby Show for once. Is there still room for me at the Pity Party? I’d like a table for one. And bring in the violins! I want a goddamn orchestra of tiny violins playing for me. Just this once.

Just this once, I want to be allowed the courtesies I give others. And I don’t want to feel guilty for wanting it.

3. Shitty, elitist Wall Street bankers are shitty and elitist.

4. At least Bill Gates isn’t a shitty, elitist Wall Street banker.

The arrangement I made with myself was to go vegan for 30 days and see how I feel. If it has made a difference in my overall health & well-being, I plan to stick with it. Yes, I realize everyone else is doing it and, no, I don’t care if it seems I’m following a trend. My health is more important to me than how many cool points I may be losing.

You see, thanks to my genes, I am a prime candidate for heart disease. Every one of my grandparents has/had heart disease. Both of my grandfathers had heart attacks in their 50s, one of which was fatal. My maternal grandmother had a brother who died of a heart attack in his 30s. Based on this genetic predisposition, I’m screwed. If I don’t take care of myself, I could end up dead from a heart attack in twenty years. And when I think about how I want my life to pan out, being an old lady wearing muumuus stuffing my grandkids with sugar is always part of that vision. There are too many things I want to do in life to have it shortened unnecessarily.

If you haven’t seen Forks Over Knives yet, then you might not be putting it together how I went from Taking Heart Disease Prevention Seriously to Becoming a Vegan. According to the research presented in the film, a plant-based diet can prevent, control and reverse the degenerative diseases our society is plagued with–including heart disease. I watched it and decided, why not?

To be honest, I could also stand to lose some weight and gain some energy. A vegan diet supposedly helps in that area, as well. I got all booed up over the Summer and stopped working out. While it’s awesome to have love in my life, the side effects of such bliss have left me flabby and lazy. I’m starting to gross myself out. There is only so much one can hide with capes and scarves…and I’m saving Muumuus in Public for when I’m an old lady, remember?

Look, I am not even going to pretend I won’t be one of those annoying health freaks who scan labels and encourage everyone they know to try quinoa. Because I already am. I might even change my name to Quinoa. I FUCKING LOVE QUINOA. Not a fan of soy cheese, but I found some soy ice cream that is AMAZEBALLS (Trader Joe’s Soy Creamy Vanilla). And I spent $7 on a bag of cashews. Because, apparently, EVERY vegan dessert recipe requires raw cashews.

Luckily, I have a partner in this adventure who makes it all feel normal and keeps me motivated. We’re making black bean burgers tomorrow night after we go to meditation class. WE ARE SO VEGAN.

When I’m not cooking or talking about vegan food, I’m researching all other things vegan. Mostly so I can throw these tidbits of information at anyone who questions my veganism.
VEGAN TRIVIA!
Q. What former president subscribes to a vegan diet?

A. 1% —Finally, I’m part of the 1%!!

Plus, I’m totally saving the world by going vegan. Yep. Like a plant-based superhero. Captain Quinoa at your service.

As I continue with this for the next month, I’ll probably post some recipes and update on my progress. I’ll also likely become more annoyingly vegan. Here’s a preview:

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
My resolution was to be less lazy. And I guess I kept that going during the first part of the year….it was a busy busy time. This coming year, my focus is on my health. I need to make changes.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Heidi had her a cute little baby girl.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
A handful of people died who were close to people I’m close to. The secondhand grief is still grief.

5. What countries/states did you visit?
New Orleans, Chicago, St. Louis, Nashville

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Energy

7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 10, 2011: the day I met Josh and fell in love. Yes, just like in the movies. It really does happen. He is the one for me. I am very lucky.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Dear Diary’s 1-year anniversary; the short film I helped make went to the KC Film Fest; not being afraid of love; turning 30

9. What was your biggest failure?
Adjusting to a crash in serotonin levels.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Got a little mental.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Well, I guess if you count “buying” our dog, then ZOEY!!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Mason. SUCH AN AWESOME KID.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The damn government.

14. Where did most of your money go?
bills

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Mardi Gras in KC, just like every year. In 2011, my dear friend, Anna, visited from Seattle and said it was a life-changer. That’s something to get excited about.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
POT LEDOM

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i.happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter
iii. richer or poorer? richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
exercising

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
stressing

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent Christmas Eve with my dad’s awesome family eating foods and singing carols and playing with kiddos. Christmas Day, went to Josh’s parents.

21. Who did you spend most time on the phone with?
Mom

22. Did you fall in love in 2011?
Yes I did.

23. How many one-night stands?
0

24. What was your favorite TV program?
ANTM All Stars, Game of Thrones, American Horror Story, The Housewives, Mad Men

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
i don’t hate

26. What was the best book you read?
The Hunger Games trilogy

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Jean Grae, Blakroc, The Smith Westerns, Destroyer, O Giant Man, The Dead Kenny Gs, Tennis, Fitz and the Tantrums, The Vaccines, Tame Impala, The Lost Fingers

28. What did you want and get?
Love

29. What did you want and not get?
Inspiration

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Bridesmaids. Shitty year for the box office.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 30 and spent it at a wonderful party surrounded by everyone I love. At one point, I looked around, and it was my mom, my dad, Mason, and all of my best friends surrounding me and I had a moment of joy mixed with gratitude that I will never forget. And then I beat the shit out of a Hannah Montana piñata.

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
central air conditioning

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Hide the rolls.

34. What kept you sane?
Prozac

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
the ANTM All-Stars–LISA!!!!

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Occupy Wall Street

37. Who did you miss?
Lauren

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Josh and his family

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I’m not afraid to create my queendom
I’m not afraid to take my place
I’m not afraid

I’ll admit, I’ve been atypically apathetic about Halloween. I’m normally full of revelry this time of year. Pulling together multiple costumes (last year I had three) and deciding which parties to attend. In August, I booked a flight to New Orleans and made plans to spend my favorite holiday there. Three months later, I’m not in New Orleans. My plane ticket remains unused.

What’s going on? you ask. What has happened to your joie de vivre?

The answer is probably hiding somewhere in the amount of time I’ve toiled over Mason’s costume and the excitement I have about dressing him up and taking him trick-or-treating. The truth is, I don’t know how many more Halloweens I will get to do this for him. He’s growing up painfully fast. And I’m grasping white-knuckled at these moments I know are fleeting. There has been a shift in my consciousness. A child doesn’t stay a child forever. Cue the Harry Chapin song….

My son is two months shy of his tenth birthday. As the end of his first decade on Earth approaches, I find myself not wanting to miss a thing. I want to take every chance I can get to see the world through his eyes, to share as many experiences as possible with him.

I’ve spent the last ten years chasing the dream that, as a woman and a single mother, I can “have it all.” I can have a satisfying career and be an attentive, loving mother. I sacrificed time with him to finish college, telling myself it was the right thing to do “in the long run.” I worked my 40-hour-a-week job in my chosen career after college and came home tired, impatient and detached. I struggled to pay bills when I ended up unemployed and the stress got so unmanageable, I was barely able to leave my bed. The job that got me off unemployment had me traveling to make ends meet so I saw less of my son than ever. Finally, after much ego-checking, I went back to the service industry where my schedule would be more “flexible.” Except it wasn’t, and I was forced to leave my son home alone for the first time so that I could work a lunch shift during the summer. And as I’ve tried to piece together a freelance career since then, I always end up feeling like my head is in one place, and my heart is in another. This is not the dream I was promised. It turns out, the dream is as unattainable as pressing the pause button on a fading childhood.

The reality I had to accept was that even with his dad’s help, I would be forced to choose between a stable career in my field and the ability to parent my son the way I wanted to. The path I chose–to work in a bar part-time– is somewhere in the middle. A bartender’s schedule is in constant conflict with the schedule of a fourth grader. There are nights I go to work at precisely the time he goes to bed. My body is always confused about when it is time to sleep since I force it to stay up late while I’m working…and then force it to get up early when it’s time to take the kid to school. This leaves me a bit drained, but it allows me to take my son to school 2-3 days a week and pick him up from school twice a week. This is a precious and priceless luxury for me. And it gives me the chance to really be a mom, something I’ve always wanted to be. I don’t know what career, if any, could ever be this satisfying…and maybe someday I’ll find out. But for now, I’m going to savor every tiny kiss he gives me before school and every giggle he sputters and every ounce of wisdom he develops over the next few years.

I grew up with a mother who chased the same impossible dream. The result, for me, was largely a lonely childhood with huge gaps of longing it took decades to fill. As much as I admire my mother for her unrelenting spirit and her hopeful outlook, I would give anything to have had less in order to have had more of her. I think about that every day as I navigate parenthood. Which is why, this Halloween, the costume I’m most excited about isn’t mine and the party I’m looking forward to will be G-rated.

I felt immediately lighter, freer and calmer. (And it wasn’t just because of the poo.) What had given me this profound sense of peace? To sum it up in two words: I quit.

Here’s what I quit:
1) My involvement with organizing Occupy Kansas City.
I had spent the previous week dedicating every free minute I had to this cause from its inception. Attending meetings, taking and transcribing notes, updating the website, planning logistics, organizing people and ideas, and disseminating information. I jumped in head first as soon as I found out about it and kept going. Every conversation I had for the entire week revolved around OccupyKC. The day before I quit, I had spent all day at the occupation and had forgotten to eat. It didn’t occur to me until 9:30pm that I hadn’t eaten since early that morning. This thing I care about enough to lose sleep and skip meals for was taking over my life, and I wasn’t sure if I could handle the consequences.

2) My October edition of Dear Diary.
I started Dear Diary over a year ago and it has been a successful endeavor. The people I’ve met along the way are amazing and the support they’ve given is incredible. I’ve laughed so hard I’ve peed myself (just a little.) I’ve even gotten a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes at the more poignant moments. But just as any long-term project evolves, there are times you feel disconnected from it. Sometimes you need a break in order to gain perspective on how to keep from stagnating. You need time to recharge and bring new energy into it. Because I love it, I have to let it go. But only briefly.

3) Facebook
It’s really noisy there. I’m craving quiet. Also, the previous things I quit were completely tied to Facebook, so by removing those things from my life for awhile, I afforded myself the opportunity to abandon FB as well.

Here’s why I quit:
1) Before I quit all of these things, I quit Prozac. Well, kinda. I’ve been treated for anxiety and depression since 2003. It took three years of hell for me to find an anti-depressant that would work. I tried everything out there up until I found Prozac in 2006. Thank Bejeezus I did. It was a miracle. It changed my life. I was better able to find balance and calm and patience which helped me get through tough times without completely losing my shit. I felt “normal” for the first time in my life. I even felt equipped to give advice to people who were struggling.

But. Every few years, the Prozac stops working. Just, *poof* quits on me. And I end up depressed, sad, and unable to function. My way of dealing with this is to “reboot.” I stop taking it for a month or so…and then start taking it again. It may not be a scientific method, but it works. So, a few weeks ago, I quit taking Prozac. Since then, I’ve been having withdrawal symptoms…“agitation, anxiety, akathesia, panic attacks, irritability, aggressiveness, worsening of mood, dysphoria, crying spells or mood lability, overactivity or hyperactivity, depersonalization, decreased concentration, slowed thinking, confusion and memory/concentration difficulties.” Additionally, everywhere in my body serotonin lives is suffering because there isn’t enough going around like it should. (FYI, “Approximately 90% of the human body’s total serotonin is located in the enterochromaffin cells in the gut, where it is used to regulate intestinal movements. The remainder is synthesized in serotonergic neurons in the CNS where it has various functions. These include the regulation of mood, appetite, and sleep. Serotonin also has some cognitive functions, including in memory and learning.”)

But the most pronounced emotional change I feel is that I’m extremely sensitive and high-strung. Two things you don’t want to be when you’re trying to manage the image of a political movement. Because of my background in PR & Media Relations, my first instinct with Occupy KC was to delve into that area. So I spent all day online trying to figure out what public sentiment was and how we could use the positive and negative feedback to define our message. Big mistake. Because…

2) People on the Internet are assholes. Every forum was full of personal insults towards people involved in the movement. Every comment section belittled our efforts. I tried not to take it personally. But I was feeling overly sensitive, due to lack of serotonin. And when I started getting attacked by people within the Occupy KC group on Facebook, well, I lost it. I don’t know what it is about sitting in front of a computer screen instead of a human face that makes people so hateful and vile…but it’s fucked up. What people will say when they have the safety of anonymity versus a face-to-face confrontation is interesting. I think when we have debates in person, we are more respectful of each other. Because we’re forced to acknowledge our similarities..that we’re all human, we’re on the same side. Typing into a box that links to other boxes takes away the humanity of a discussion. I don’t want to be a part of those debates anymore. If you want to discuss something of value, bring it to my face.

3) I prefer facetime. I haven’t logged in to Facebook in four days. In that time, I’ve had more conversations with people where we talk about our lives instead of assuming we know everything that’s going on because we read it on FB. Also, I’m not staring at my phone all the time, trying to see what’s new on FB. This, too, allows for more interactions with people I love.

4) I love my kid, my boyfriend, my gay husband and my dog who thinks she’s a pig SO MUCH. And we all live in a house we love SO MUCH. I want to dedicate my time to them. They are really all I need to get by. They outshine Prozac, Facebook and any “cause” or “event” anyone could ever organize.

5) I’m all or nothing about shit. Call it a flaw, whatever. I don’t care. I don’t know how to change it. I’d rather produce nothing than something thrown together and half-assed. I don’t really hang out in grey area. I either give everything I’ve got or I give nothing at all. Right now, I’ve got nothing to give anyone…so I’m being selfish and quitting the things that were causing me constant stress. I’m taking care of myself. I’m turning inward, organizing my life, focusing on MY needs. And trying not to feel guilty for it. **The truth is, I’m not really quitting. Just taking a break. Resting and restoring.

If you’re reading this on Facebook, it’s because there’s an RSS feed of my blog there. I don’t have access to Facebook, so if you want to comment, do it on my blog or I won’t see it. Thanks.

For more on quitting things that make your life suck, you should check out this episode of This American Life.

We even mock our own ignorance and ambivalence by laughing about First World Problems, in which we make fun of the whining and complaining of our society’s privileged status as the well-fed and infrastructure-rich “land of opportunity.”

“I left my iPod at home today. FML,” reads the status update. And we chuckle at its absurdity given the conditions many people in the world are forced to endure, lacking clean drinking water and enough food to eat. Giggles and groans abound, eyes roll and we click away at the next link that will incite our self-aware mockery.

It stands to reason, then, that we understand our place as citizens of a country where we are entitled to education, jobs, and freedoms many others aren’t afforded. And yet, we can’t be bothered to care when these entitlements are in peril, when freedoms are stripped, jobs are lost, education systems crumble. Because if we care about the injustices our own people face, we might have to acknowledge the danger of losing the comforts and conveniences we so desperately cling to.

If we acknowledge that there are problems with the system, then we might feel compelled to do something about it. Which means we may have to make a commitment to a cause. Which means our commitment to this cause could stir things up enough that our lives become less convenient, less comfortable. And then we wrestle with whether the cause is worth it. Are we willing to give up our leisure time, our time spent lashing out at one another or even our dedication to our favorite TV shows for a cause?

There was a time when we were willing. But now, it seems, we are more likely to ignore the problems, the causes, the information that could stir us to act. Instead, we will share hilarious viral videos and toil away at vanity projects and justify our actions by telling ourselves the problems are too big, the causes are too vague and the information too skewed to matter. We will allow the media and corporate politicians to divide us, soothe us and enslave us until we are too screwed to fight back, it appears.

On a personal level, I’ve shunned politics and social policy matters for the last few years because I’ve been too focused on mine and my family’s financial survival to get involved. And perhaps a huge part of me was afraid that facing the underlying cause of my struggle would mean acknowledging the magnitude of the greater struggle at hand: the war that should be fought to change the system that makes it so hard for a family to get by in a country of such great wealth.

Today, I made a choice to stop being afraid. I made a choice to take a stand. I vowed, not to align with any political party, but to join with The People who make this country what it is*. There are more of Us than there are of Them. We should be holding the power, but we let it slip away with every vote we gave to a corrupt political system, every head we turned to news of social and economic injustice, every ounce of helplessness we felt in the face of reform. We’ve sold ourselves short. And in the end, we have no one to blame but ourselves for what has become of our country.

I, for one, want to redeem myself. I want to know I did everything I could to fight the tyranny in government. I want to be able to tell my son that his mother fought for her country, not as a soldier in an empire-building scheme overseas, but as a citizen with a vested interest in the quality of life for her country’s citizens. My ancestors were farmers and immigrants who worked hard to build this country. I will not let it be ruined by the greed of corporations and Wall Street criminals. I have no money to invest in stock markets. The only investment I can make is my dedication to a cause and my willingness to fight. I have no assets to protect, only the lives of the people I love. So I say, bring it. Bring the chaos, and I’ll bring the rebellion.

“It is not the insurrections of ignorance that are dangerous, but the revolts of intelligence.”
James Russell Lowell

*While I would like to see the face of this movement steer clear of the “smelly, liberal urban street hippie” image it has projected thus far, I’m encouraged by the number of people coming together for this cause. As the message grows, I believe the movement will get its shit together and start making sense to the majority of people in America. This is only the beginning.